Finally, a sane person on the internet

Stop what you're doing and read this.

I found it at just the right time, when my frustration with the Food Wars had reached critical mass and I was thinking about swearing off reading/watching/listening to anything diet and nutrition related ever, ever again. The author is local (for me anyway) and now in danger of being stalked.

By the way, it was this piece (and the subsequent comments) that drove me to the edge.

UPDATE: Turns out that the my hero the author just relocated to Las Vegas. It's just as well.

Weighing in on world affairs

I'm growing weary of all you dirty hippies complaining about the death of Osama bin Laden. You know what? That guy would have cut your head right off your smelly hippie neck if he had even the slightest chance. You would have been all "hey, Osama, can we talk? I think we can sett-" and then you would have been running around like the proverbial chicken. He hated you. He wanted you dead. He didn't care if you were nice (for an American), or if you voted for Nader in the 2000 election. He just wanted you flippin' dead, so some nice men risked their lives and killed him before he got the chance. The End.

Of course, I understand that what you are really saying in your heart of hearts is "I wish 9/11 had never happened." Of course. So do I. But I'll give you three guesses who didn't wish that. Hint: three words, rhymes with Bosama bin Bladen.

On a serious note, I think there is a very slight yet hugely important difference between celebrating the death of the man and celebrating the accomplishment that was tracking him down and ultimately killing him. I am not celebrating his death, but I am proud of the accomplishment. He wasn't killed in retribution, but because he posed a serious threat - to your safety and to mine, to your mom and to your baby.  If you fear that we are in danger now as a result of his death, you are delusional. We were in danger no matter what.

In which I fantasize about telling Portland to suck it

You guys, somebody get a thermometer - I think I'm sick! I have become bored with Teen Mom 2 and I'm surfing garden supply websites! What is going on?

I am months, even years behind in my gardening. I have no idea how to do anything related to plants. My father spent his childhood as the live-in landscaper and hates everything to do with a backyard, except for maybe sitting on a deck with a cocktail or riding a small mowing tractor over acreage in a cowboy hat. As a result, he starting paying a gardener as soon as he could afford one and has never looked back. Thus, my little sister and I were saved ever learning anything about dirt, plants, weeds, and whatnot. I think it was my responsibility to water the houseplants once, and I think everything died.

Yet still I dream of my farm life. I am lucky to have cool neighbors, even though we live in very Burby 'burbs. There is a school in our neighborhood that is up for renovation, and a few of my neighbors are petitioning the city to swap properties with the school district and turn it into a park instead, a park with a community garden! It won't happen, but how cool is it that they even want it to happen? What if there could be a community chicken coop, or a community goat...house? What if we could have a little farm and be featured in national publications as the Just So Of The Moment-est Neighborhood Ever!?

If it happened, I'd drive down to Portland just to flip them all off and tell 'em to suck it.

My blood boileth over

Generally speaking, I should not be allowed on the internet. Or rather, I need some sort of parental control over the content I am allowed to access. I should be excluded from all sites containing political discourse, especially if comments are enabled.

The problem is, the internet is full of idiots. Present company excluded, of course. It is a soapbox for all-comers, and most of the people who take advantage of the forum are complete and utter morons, if not entirely delusional and/or criminally insane.

Most might be an overstatement.

But you see, I read the rantings of these lunatics, because I just can't help myself. I have to look the crazy in the eye. But then I get fired up. And then I go do something stupid like post a comment about it on Facebook. That is always a mistake, because everybody knows that politics are not a part of polite conversation, and one must treat Facebook as a cocktail party and not like,  I don't know, a computer screen that only you can see. Real, living people and what not. Then I usually end up in a big fight with bullies I don't even know but who are friends with my friends, and then I am sad and feel all alone in the world. Which is ironic, for a social network.

It crossed my mind to post some rantings of my own on this blog, but I would hate to alienate my loyal readers, who now number in the mid-single digits. Up until now you thought I was all cute and harmless - but it turns out I'm a dirty liberal sympathizer! Who believes President Obama WAS BORN IN THE UNITED STATES. Crazy, I know.

I might not be able to help myself. I'm working on a series of posts called my "six month review," where I discuss my experiences with various baby things, like diapers and breastfeeding, etc. But I may slip something in there about the TSA search procedures and how they absolutely do not violate your 4th amendment rights. For instance.

What can I say? I'm mad, bad, and dangerous to know. Just like Lord Byron. Or Dylan McKay.