Thursday, August 25, 2011

Someday I will be a grown up, but not today

Well, you'll be glad to know that I have completed the first three days of the Shred, and I'm only about three years behind every other mom with a blog in writing about it. I must say that my Google search for before and after pictures left me a little disappointed, but I wrote that off as other peoples' failures and not the ineffectiveness of the program. Naturally.

The whole workout thing is part of the general sort of "back to school" attempt at re-perfectionist-ing I end up cooking up about this time every year. I am very good at setting myself up for failure by attempting to implement several major lifestyle changes all at once. My plans for this September include getting Marlo on one nap, getting myself out of bed and dressed first thing in the morning like a grown up, having a family dinner on the table by 6:30 ever night, and the aforementioned daily workout. Yesterday, Marlo took two naps and wandered around in her pajama top and diaper all day. I got dressed myself somewhere around the four o'clock hour. We have a long way to go.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Introducing...Working Out

So I'm trying this revolutionary thing you probably haven't heard about. It's called "reacting to a stressful day by working out." Crazy, right? This approach is meant to replace my prior approach, called "bendy straw in a bottle of white wine." I'll let you know how it works. It's a pretty new idea that nobody else has ever thought up before, and I'm pretty excited about it.

Preliminary results are good. By that I mean I tried it last night and it seemed to work all right. Considering that Marlo was a nasty little (cute! love of my life!) beast who only took one hour-and-a-half long nap all day and almost got thrown in her crib straight from her bath - no jammies, no diaper, no nothing - I'd say it was a miracle that not one alcoholic beverage was consumed.

Stress relief is not my sole motivation. It suddenly dawned on me that my sister's wedding is less than a month away, and if I am serious about wanting to not feel like a schlub in my cute little maid of honor dress, I better get crackalackin'.  So no problem, I'll just do the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred in 27 days.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

This sort of thing is why the empire is collapsing around us

Blah blah boring blah. There, does that count as a blog post?

Lately I've just not been in the mood. I have had a traveling husband and a lot of one-on-one kid time, and while you might think that would be a boon to my catalog of subject matter, it was really more of a boon to the malt liquor industry. Not really. But sort of.

Want to talk about my private lady business? Oh good, me too. I had the monthly visitor something fierce, so bad that I felt a lot like that lady raccoon I saw get raped in the street in front of my house a few months back. At least I sounded a lot like her, with all the hissing and spitting and whatnot. It was so bad that my husband - Mister Just Say No, never took a drug stronger than Motrin himself - suggested I might want to see if I could get a prescription for some medical marijuana. I think it says a lot that he would prefer me completely useless, eating Doritos and watching Cheech and Chong or whatever.

Actually what he would really prefer me is knocked up again, which is just absolute crazy talk. For at least another four to six months.