Monday, October 31, 2011

Speaking of bacon

Not the leftovers, just what there was

My sister came over for brunch on Saturday, promising to bring doughnuts. I figured the least I could do was make sure there was some sort of protein there, and bought some Hempler's all-natural uncured bacon.

"Some" is the correct word in this case, because my $9.99 purchase yielded me nine slices. I cooked the whole thing and the three of us each got three pieces - minus whatever we shared with Marlo. It was delicious and all, but at a dollar-eleven a slice? That seems a little steep, no?

You can see that I burned some. The whole starting in a cold pan thing never works well for me. I would always rather cook bacon in the microwave, wrapped up in half a forest's worth of paper towels, but my husband sighs witheringly and says with great reluctance how he "prefers" bacon fried in a pan - which is why I "prefer" to have bacon in restaurants. But it all worked out. When I saw my sister with burned slices on her plate I told her to take the unburned ones, because Mo and I had already sneaked a few of the perfectly cooked ones. She looked at me like I was crazy and said "I like burned bacon," like that is something that all normal people feel.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

We also had deep fried bacon

You know, I'm no trendspotter, but I think that salted caramel has jumped the shark. That doesn't mean that I don't love it, oh no it does not. But I'm realizing that it is everywhere, and in increasingly shitty iterations. It's definitely a dessert buzz word that those crafty restaurant folk realize will get people to fork over an extra fifteen bucks at the end of a meal. Maybe they'll do it for the same reason that my husband and I did recently, in an attempt to salvage an underwhelming and overpriced meal. John Howie, I'm looking at you. Or maybe it's just because salted caramel is guaranteed to be at least as delicious as an Oreo, and could potentially be, like, fifteen thousand times better. And if you disagree with me on that point, well, I'm not sure you and I were ever that good of friends.

So even though I'm kind of sick of hearing myself talk about it, I made salted caramel chocolate pretzel bark last weekend. It was good. Damn good. But it was sort of like how I imagine heroin is - I felt awesome eating it until I felt sick, and then I felt sick until I ate it again. It is definitely meant for small doses. And I think it counts as a small dose to crush it and blend it into some vanilla ice cream.

The next salted caramel dessert I want to try to make? Salted caramel apple pie. Or maybe salted caramel pumpkin cheesecake, which I saw demonstrated on local tv last weekend. Or maybe I'll just read all the blogs from 2009 talking about such recipes and call it a day.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

On Mac and Cheese, storebought and otherwise

It looks like I'm going to have to retool my fitness regimen, because my kid has decided that she loves quiche. But it's not as simple as that, naturally. She loves quiche off of my plate. Which means to keep her eating quiche, I need to be eating quiche. Not the worst problem to have, but a high-calorie one.

Yes, the girl who recoils in disgust when presented with macaroni and cheese has been eating entire slices of swiss chard, leek and romano cheese quiche. She also housed some eggplant parmesan last night at dinner. Maybe it's just that I have been offending her palate with my pedestrian offerings.

Speaking of macaroni and cheese, I have been reading (and loving to read) this book by Jennifer Reese, one of my favorite writers on the internet. I first discovered her blog because of an article she had in Slate about making bagels - the printout is still in my recipe file, unattempted. But I've always enjoyed and trusted her opinion on what I should and shouldn't bother to make...which is why I felt guilty when I picked up a box of frozen Beecher's "World's Best" Mac and Cheese for dinner the other night. The thing is, A) it really is the best mac and cheese ever; and B) I don't know if I could have bought the amount of Beecher's Flagship that I would have needed to make it at home for less than I paid for the frozen entree. It was "on sale" for $8.99,  Beecher's Flagship goes for 20 bucks a pound. I think I done Tipsy proud.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

On a rocking horse at times

What I wish, what I've always wished (for the past 20 years), is that I had Eddie Vedder's voice. Sure it would be weird coming out of my body, but it seems like the perfect vehicle for exorcising everything you need to exorcise.

Pearl Jam Twenty is awesome. Watch it.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Someday, it won't be funny anymore

Have you seen Oprah's Life Class yet? Oprah knows her way around a defamation lawsuit, so I'm not saying that Oprah's trying to start a cult. But. I think Oprah may be trying to start a cult. I just want you to promise you will send the deprogrammer to kidnap me if I start talking too much crazy Oprah talk.

Speaking of crazy Oprah talk, Facebook has been all about the inspirational messages lately, right? It seems like everyone has one for me. My favorite thing anyone has said all week was when one of my friends said, "it's like when my mom first got email." I should have just stolen that and said that it was mine but apparently Oprah has me gone soft.

Anyway, I guess I should be less cynical and just appreciate the positive energy or something. I should definitely be less cynical. Yesterday  I was out strolling with the baby when I saw a poster for a lost Yorkie. I thought to myself that there was no way that Yorkie was picked up by a little girl and taken home - unless that little girl also went by the alias of "Uncle Sam" and had an eight foot wingspan, or maybe "Rocky" and wore a cute little burglar mask. Wouldn't you know that a quarter mile later, I came across a sign for a found Yorkie. And, yes, I did my good deed and called to make sure they knew about one another, thank you very much.

Monday, October 10, 2011

I need to watch more MTV

It was my birthday on Thursday, and I have celebrated by doing and liking more old lady stuff. For instance, there was quite a flurry of activity on my facebook page when I called attention to myself for liking clothing items from Coldwater Creek and Talbot's. I also threatened to kill myself over it, and my facebook "friends" pretty much just offered suggestions on how to carry that out.

Now to further the theme I am starting a quilting project. Never mind the fact that I can barely sew and I haven't operated a sewing machine in probably 15 years. A quilt, at least, is a big flat thing, it's not like I'm trying to sew myself a wedding dress or a pair of pants or whatever. Although it IS my dream to be able to make all my own clothes. At least while I'm watching an episode of Project Runway.

Anyway, this project is enough of a way-over-my-head endeavor that it should keep me out of trouble for a while. Either that or it will cause me to become immediately frustrated and I will lose interest within the week. I'll let you know the over/under and where to place your bets.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

If I never saw another Elmo's World, it would be too soon

Hi neglected blog! How many of my posts this year start out this way, anyway.

So I've been all participating in my sister's wedding followed directly by spending a week with my in-laws and drinking boxed wine to cope, so you might accurately assume  I haven't started any of my crazy diet experiments. I did however learn the perfect way to prevent anybody from taking the third seat in our row on a Southwest flight. It goes as follows:

  1. Feed baby a banana during boarding, so that she gets good and sticky
  2. Periodically withhold banana as to elicit shrieks of displeasure from said baby
  3. If possible, a phlegmy cough or two
And blam! A free seat for baby on your cross country flight!

In other news, Marlo is totally obsessed with Sesame Street. The other day she managed to get it playing off the TiVo all by her own self. This has me convinced that TV is not rotting her brain, but in fact making her even more of a genius. I am especially proud of the fact that while she does love Elmo, she is also a big fan of Cookie Monster and Grover. She appreciates the classics. She calls Grover "Ca-Ca," which I didn't know the first time she ran through the house pointing and screaming "Ca-Ca! Ca-Ca!" I was really confused.

I just saw the Dixie Chicks singing "Sing a Song" on an old episode. They tried to make the short stumpy one look less short and stumpy by making her stand on a stool or something behind the Muppeteers. Let's just say it didn't work.