Someday, it won't be funny anymore

Have you seen Oprah's Life Class yet? Oprah knows her way around a defamation lawsuit, so I'm not saying that Oprah's trying to start a cult. But. I think Oprah may be trying to start a cult. I just want you to promise you will send the deprogrammer to kidnap me if I start talking too much crazy Oprah talk.

Speaking of crazy Oprah talk, Facebook has been all about the inspirational messages lately, right? It seems like everyone has one for me. My favorite thing anyone has said all week was when one of my friends said, "it's like when my mom first got email." I should have just stolen that and said that it was mine but apparently Oprah has me gone soft.

Anyway, I guess I should be less cynical and just appreciate the positive energy or something. I should definitely be less cynical. Yesterday  I was out strolling with the baby when I saw a poster for a lost Yorkie. I thought to myself that there was no way that Yorkie was picked up by a little girl and taken home - unless that little girl also went by the alias of "Uncle Sam" and had an eight foot wingspan, or maybe "Rocky" and wore a cute little burglar mask. Wouldn't you know that a quarter mile later, I came across a sign for a found Yorkie. And, yes, I did my good deed and called to make sure they knew about one another, thank you very much.

If I never saw another Elmo's World, it would be too soon

Hi neglected blog! How many of my posts this year start out this way, anyway.

So I've been all participating in my sister's wedding followed directly by spending a week with my in-laws and drinking boxed wine to cope, so you might accurately assume  I haven't started any of my crazy diet experiments. I did however learn the perfect way to prevent anybody from taking the third seat in our row on a Southwest flight. It goes as follows:

1. Feed baby a banana during boarding, so that she gets good and sticky
2. Periodically withhold banana as to elicit shrieks of displeasure from said baby
3. If possible, a phlegmy cough or two

And blam! A free seat for baby on your cross country flight!

In other news, Marlo is totally obsessed with Sesame Street. The other day she managed to get it playing off the TiVo all by her own self. This has me convinced that TV is not rotting her brain, but in fact making her even more of a genius. I am especially proud of the fact that while she does love Elmo, she is also a big fan of Cookie Monster and Grover. She appreciates the classics. She calls Grover "Ca-Ca," which I didn't know the first time she ran through the house pointing and screaming "Ca-Ca! Ca-Ca!" I was really confused.

I just saw the Dixie Chicks singing "Sing a Song" on an old episode. They tried to make the short stumpy one look less short and stumpy by making her stand on a stool or something behind the Muppeteers. Let's just say it didn't work.

I'll name drop the hell out of this one

Did I tell you about how I got an email telling me to click here to win a chance to meet Oprah, so I did? That doesn't even sound like me, but it's true. I guess now I'm the sort of person who tries to win a trip to meet Oprah.

It's not exactly like I'm trying to win, though. I mean, it's pretty hard to call it trying when all that was involved was volunteering my email address, for what is sure to be sale to the next 14 highest bidders who want to sell me maxi pads and dish soap or whatever.

Really, my thought process was basically something along the lines of this: if Oprah wants to buy me a plane ticket and put me up in a hotel, feed me three meals a day and shake my hand, who am I to say no to that? It would be sort of like turning down a free trip to meet Santa or Elvis or something. Why not do it, just to have an anecdote for one of those awkward moments when you're asked to share something interesting about yourself, and your mind goes completely blank?

Of course there was this one time in high school when I turned down meeting William Shatner, but I still think that was the right call on that one. Have you seen Shatner's Raw Nerve? It's like the most awkward horrible train wreck you could ever imagine. I kind of love it.

Rainy afternoon food network musings

Not that you asked, but I have absolutely no desire to be Giada De Laurentiis's friend. Any time I've ever seen her do a show about having a party it looks super uncomfortable to me. Maybe it has something to do about how she's always getting in everybody's face demanding that they agree with her about how delicious her food is. It's very needy. Also, the awkward thing I just saw with her taking a turn in the DJ booth was very hard to watch. I can't imagine having to see it in person and pretend I was okay with it.

I figured out my Curtis Stone thing from awhile back. He looks like Ryan Gosling in drag. THAT is what it is.

Speaking of (TV) chefs, let's talk about this whole Meatless Monday thing for a minute. Do leftovers count? I don't think they do. I think if you are eating meat leftovers on Monday, you have not broken the sacrament. But then I'm a firm believer in the spirit over the letter.

In which I perv on pregnant ladies

If you read my blog back in the days it was the baby pork chop blog, you know that my favorite part about being pregnant was the free-for-all on food. It was the first time in my adult life where it was okay to eat whatever, whenever and not worry a lick about the consequences. And so I put on 41 pounds with glee. I was actually proud of each and every weigh-in.

But yesterday at one of our save mommy's sanity  mommy and me activities, I noticed one of the other moms was pregnant. And like, way pregnant. Like, how have I not noticed this before pregnant. I hadn't noticed because she is a very stereotypical size 00 Japanese woman, but with a watermelon stuck under her shirt. Everywhere else - same old tiny! She still has a waist and everything. It is totally unreal and she probably wonders what sort of pervy psycho I am because I kept checking her out.

Honestly, I had the thought "I want to weigh three pounds and be pregnant." What if the next time I am all super healthy lady and eat whole grains and dark leafy vegetables and work out the whole time? What if instead of free for all I try to eat responsibly, like the pregnant law librarian I used to pity when I saw her eating fruit and drinking tiny cartons of milk?

Since body image during pregnancy was the theme yesterday,  I came home and (during Marlo's naptime of course) watched the Very Special episode of 16 and Pregnant with Kayla the anorexic girl. I can't even mock her for her poor decisions, seeing as the poor thing is sick and getting absolutely no support, but I really wanted to shake her. Which goes to show why I don't do social work.

Domestic goddess, I ain't

You were probably thinking that I have been way too busy playing with my new chickens to post, but you were totally wrong. I do have at least a shred of common sense, but mostly a new-found phobia of commitment to the life and upkeep of other living beings. I am taking baby steps, seeing if I can actually get some herbs planted and cared for before I get myself into domesticated fowl. Plus, I have to go see Paul McCartney in Vegas in two weeks, so I should probably not get chickens before that.

In other news, it's Marlo's first birthday on Friday, so I have been busy procrastinating about getting anything done for her party. We're having a taco bar and I need to draw up a tablescape, but I hate that word so much that all I do is sit around thinking about how much I hate Sandra Lee and her booze-fueled attempts to convince Americans to go to Tuesday Morning and buy a closet full of crap for decorating the kitchen each season.

Which reminds me of how much I love Tina Fey, for the cameo by Ina Garten in the 30 Rock finale in which she mentioned that Jeffrey was away. Oh Tina, thank God I can count on you to make that joke. And bonus points for Ina Garten turning out to maybe be a good sport. She may move up a spot on my "most tolerable food network hosts" list. The field isn't too competitive.

Sexualizing the non-sexual

Do you watch that show, "America's Next Great Restaurant?" I do, although I'm not sure why. I TiVo it and watch it while I am eating my lunch. Then I can fast forward through most of it and just watch the vaguely interesting parts. It's your basic filler tv, where you don't really care too much what's happening, you just want something to zone out on so you can stuff your face in peace.

So basically the whole gist of the show is that Bobby Flay, the Chipotle guy, Curtis Stone and Token Woman are going to invest in someone's new restaurant concept. The most interesting parts so far have been how Chipotle guy doesn't go five minutes without reminding everybody he founded Chipotle, and also how he got rid of the contestant who had a plan for a new fast-casual wok restaurant, which just so happens to be his new concept which is just now hitting test markets. If I were the wok lady, I would be pissed about that. But yeah, that's barely intrigue and it is the high water mark of intrigue on this show.

The other interesting part is deciding whether or not I would actually want to have relations with Curtis Stone. Sometimes I think yes. Other times, I think he looks sort of like he's in drag, like a guy in drag dressed up like a dude, if that makes sense. Or more precisely, like he showed up on set without realizing he forgot to take his drag show make up off from last night. His lips and eyes are just a little too pretty for my taste. But, if push came to shove, I'm sure I could suffer through it.

Then there's Bobby Flay. I've always had a bit of a secret dirty-boy crush on him. OH don't pretend like you've never had a crush on someone you also think is just dirty and gross. But how do you get dirty grosser than Bobby Flay? He's a ginger AND his voice is annoying.

It's the cockiness. When someone who looks a fool like that is so arrogant, you have to believe it's because he's packing some serious heat. I bet if you and a girlfriend met Curtis and Bobby in a bar, you would think you totally won by hooking up with Curtis. But then the next day when you shared your conquest stories, you'd totally be wishing you had got Bobby instead. I bet a bazillion dollars on it.

I think I'd rather have an Uncle Paul

I bet it would be pretty cool to find out that Oprah was your sister for the first five minutes. Then I bet she would just be insufferable. But I don't have to tell you that.  I love that her favorite part about finding out she has a sister is that her sister didn't sell her out. It's all about Oprah, after all.

I bet you don't really even get any benefits. I bet all that being Oprah's long-lost sister gets you is a bunch of phone calls to talk about Oprah. Or Deepak Chopra lectures. Except maybe you get a check-up with Doctor Oz or something, that might be worth it. But I bet Oprah's all Warren Buffet (ha, I almost said Jimmy) with her money. I bet there are no free rides in Oprah town. I bet those poor kids that were all excited five minutes ago about "Auntie Oprah" are getting bupkis.

Way back in 2010 when Oprah and Sir Paul McCartney were both getting Kennedy Center Honors, the husband and I sat around musing on how they could combine forces to become King and Queen of Earth. Imagine the money in that marriage! I wonder if they would be benevolent leaders, or if Oprah's wrath would come out. If I were her, I would want to yell "off with his head!" at least once.

Why all the talk about plushies?

Since we've finally caught up on Lost, we have time to watch other tv shows. So imagine my surprise when we played the episode of House from three weeks ago and that curmudgeonly doctor was talking about Plushies! Wow, Tina Fey, you totally got scooped.

I think the real question here is, what is going on in the world that Plushies are on the collective subconscious? And then the next question is, why has this turned into a plushy blog?