Last call for that triple cheeseburger

Because I like springing things on myself, I decided, oh, yesterday to participate in the Meatless May challenge. And then I spent four or five hours today trying to meal plan and being frozen by the enormity of the prospect. I started hedging. I decided first that maybe we would have meat on weekends, or that it would be meatless dinners only, or that maybe I would just skip the whole thing altogether. But I didn't want to skip it, especially since I only just decided to try it! Such conflict in my heart.

I finally came up with the perfect solution: The only meat we will eat this month will be meat that is already in the house. I won't be buying any until June. This makes me happy because a) I don't have to reinvent the wheel completely where it comes to dinner; and b) I need to clean out the freezers anyway.

Yes, I said freezerS. In the interest of full disclosure, we have two. But they are not chest freezers stocked with entire sides of beef, just regular old freezer compartments. Off the top of my head, the only meat I know to be in there is a ribeye, a package of two chicken breasts, and a bag of salmon fillets. Maybe a couple of hamburger patties? Oh, those will be hoarded and treasured like gold.

More disclosure - I have not decided exactly what we're doing for food for Marlo's birthday party, but I will not be subjecting my friends to my experiment. If I buy meat for that, it will be the exception. Also, I will obviously eat any meat served to me when I am a guest in someone's home. And I will eat the steak that has been pre-ordered for me at an event next weekend con mucho gusto.

Does it sound like my May is not going to be all that meatless? Perhaps. But I like my plan and I will tell you why. I have said a bazillion times here that I don't have any intention of giving up meat. But this will force me to eat it quite mindfully, and use it sparingly, and increase my meatless-entree repertoire. It will also force me to use food I might have otherwise wasted. In fact, this version of the plan was hatched because we have a half package of bacon sitting in the fridge. I feel like eating that bacon is more in line with the ideals of Meatless May, as opposed to throwing it out just because the calendar changed.

I'm planning on sharing my meals here. Even the super meaty cheater ones.

Finally, a sane person on the internet

Stop what you're doing and read this.

I found it at just the right time, when my frustration with the Food Wars had reached critical mass and I was thinking about swearing off reading/watching/listening to anything diet and nutrition related ever, ever again. The author is local (for me anyway) and now in danger of being stalked.

By the way, it was this piece (and the subsequent comments) that drove me to the edge.

UPDATE: Turns out that the my hero the author just relocated to Las Vegas. It's just as well.

Only she didn't say fudge

I've basically got the Mother of the Year award for 2012 locked down already, sorry to disappoint those of you in contention yourselves. Not only did Marlo fall off her kitchen step stool and lose the ability to walk for 24 hours, she also said the F word. It's been a banner week of motherhood. She's walking again, although with a bit of a limp, and so far no more obscenities have been uttered.

If you're thinking, "oh Tori, you're being silly, surely she was saying truck or luck or duck," well, you are sweet but wrong. She was filling in the blank for me. I was attempting to fill out a long and involved online form when the page crashed. I said the first part, the "argh, what the" part, and she filled in the rest. Then repeated it. Then turned around and looked at her father and said it again, just so he could be sure that I had, in fact, successfully taught his daughter the correct usage of the word. I don't know why she had to sell me out like that. I think we did a pretty good job of not reacting, which is What They Say to do in that situation, but it definitely proves she is 100% paying attention. All the time.  Frankly, I'm surprised this didn't happen sooner.

It might be time for a swear jar.

Thank goodness for low expectations

It is finally, almost, sort of nice here, which is good, because I was losing my mind. I took Marlo to visit my parents in Arizona for ten days. It was originally supposed to be a week. I saw the forecast for the day I was supposed to go home and extended my stay. I think that perhaps my husband was a little concerned that I was never coming home. Maybe it's because I said a few things to him along the lines of, "I'm not coming back there, you join us when you can." 

But now it has become more civilized around here. It hasn't rained in nearly four straight days, and it has been warm enough that I am able, if not required, to open the doors to the deck to let in the fresh cool air. I was even inspired enough to head to the nursery for some herbs and strawberry plants, which apparently are delicious  - we can't keep the stupid dog and cats from eating the leaves. I'm hoping they're also highly toxic. 

What am I gonna do, said I been needin' you

Poor blog, mama's been gone for so long. Just you, me, and the tumbleweeds now.

I would have been updating like a good little writer, but I have been busy having crazy life adventures. In sum, I have:

• Finished the cleanse (and by "finished" I mean "made it 26 and-a-half days and then went out to a dinner resplendent with wine, meat, cheese, and dessert");
• Lost 10 pounds in total over the course of said 26.5 days;
• Found out I got to go to Los Angeles and attend the world premiere of The Hunger Games; 
• Went on a red carpet-readiness shopping spree;
• Flew to Los Angeles and attended said movie premiere as a guest of Lionsgate, complete with Wolfgang Puck catered after party attended by such luminaries as Stephen Baldwin; and
• Flew home the next day having gained back two pounds already.

So you see, I've been terribly busy. And unfortunately for you and for the growth of readership of this blog, I am the type who prefers to be present in the moment rather than behind a camera or writing stuff down. I wish I was more the type to live blog from my smartphone or whatever, but I'm not. Hopefully Marlo turns out the same way so she understands why her early years are so poorly documented.

Now my mother in law is here for the week, which at least means that I get to work out every day. A grandmother who only sees her grandchild twice a year makes for a fantastic babysitter. 

Day 17 and I'm suddenly 4% closer

I'm going to come out and admit to something now so that I can't be accused of trying to hide it later: I'm ditching this cleanse 36 hours early.

It turns out my mother in law is coming into town the Wednesday immediately following the end of the cleanse. The hubs and I decided that before she gets here for her week long stay, we deserve a nice night out to strengthen the bonds of our marriage. Ten glorious days from now, we'll be hiring a sitter and hitting the town for whatever sort of food and beverage strikes our fancy.

And. The. Best. Part. Sunday morning we shall awaken and drink french press coffee. With cream and sugar. That's really all I care about. I could probably stick to the cleanse for dinner, so long as I have the promise of that tarted up coffee the next morning. But I doubt I will.

It's funny, you'd think that I would know exactly what sort of indulgence (beyond said coffee) I want to partake of once this is over. But it's really not like that at all. To me, going hog wild on some sort of anti-cleanse smorgasbord defeats the whole purpose. Why torture myself all this time if I'm just going to re-toxify myself as quickly as possible?

There's a lot of this lifestyle I plan to take forward.  I want to continue eating salads for lunch as often as I can stand it. I think that I will keep making smoothies for breakfast, unless I find that I cut out fruit and my skin turns to pure porcelain and my body fat dips to 3%. As far as dinners go, the vegan meals we've had are really delicious and will probably remain in the rotation. I don't plan on cutting meat or dairy completely out of my diet any time soon, but these last few weeks have really proven that we don't need them to make a meal delicious. And I love that we've felt that way while eating real food - as opposed to chick'n or cheez or what have you.

Look at me, talking a big game like it's over already! But I am over the hump, at least. Really, once that first week was over it all got a lot easier, and now it hardly feels like work at all.

Cleanse day 16

It is now day 16 of the cleanse (I kind of want to slap myself every time I say or write "the cleanse," is the feeling mutual?) and things are much different than the last time I checked in. I now can eat eggs, non-gluten grains, legumes and seafood. Basically everything! But still nothing. No sugar, no coffee, no meat, no beloved cheeses. But it feels good. I have lost about five pounds and I think that by the time this is over I will have actually lost less weight, because I'm working pretty hard on building muscle. If I were the kind of person who planned well and demonstrated good foresight, I would have take measurements and pictures on day one. Oh well!
I'm thinking of doing something kind of revolutionary for week four. Maybe instead of adding back lean meats and gluten like I'm supposed to, I will instead eliminate all the fruit and carb-y vegetables I've been eating all this time and see what sort of difference that makes. Basically add on a week of hardcore zero-carb eating just for fun. Why would I do that to myself when I'm almost done, you ask? Because I don't feel appreciably different right now than I ever do. I am sleeping better for sure, without all the usual uppers and downers in my system. But other than that, not much different. My skin is no clearer than usual. My digestion seems to be functioning in about the same manner as usual (and it's usually pretty good). My mood is tethered to the degree of hunger I am feeling at any given moment, which is the way I've been all my life. To my highly scientific mind, this means one of two things. Either:

A) I am a very lucky person who can eat almost all of God's creation with minimal side effects; or
B) Sugar is my mortal enemy and the root of all problems in my life.

I think I owe it to myself to find out.