Wednesday, May 11, 2011

On Weaning

Dear Marlo,

Let me start by saying I love you more than you can possibly imagine. Your happiness is of the utmost importance to me.

Unfortunately, one of the things that brings you much joy is, frankly, not any fun at all for me anymore. I don't think it ever fell under the category of "fun," actually, but it used to at least be slightly more fulfilling to me personally and important to our bond.

I'm talking about the breast feeding. I'm ready to be done. But alas, you don't even seem close. I feel so guilty trying to trick you out of it. But you will be a year old in two weeks. A year (a whole year!) I've been doing this for you. All for you. And I'm ready for our relationship to change. I'm longing for a day where you will snuggle up to me for a cuddle, and not suddenly be reminded of the fact that there is food underneath my shirt, tearing at me like a wolverine. I'm ready for our relationship to be more about fun and cuddles than all-you-can-eat buffet.

It feels a little selfish, because it is at least a little bit about wanting my body back. I have a layer of fat around my middle that is not going to go away so long as I have another little being dependent on me for sustenance (if at all). I would also like to be able to wear a real bra again. I try and tell myself that it's important for you to grow and learn to be satiated with food, but then that just seems like fooling myself. I don't want you to be rushed. But I kinda want to rush you. I don't want to be nursing you when you are two. I don't care what the WHO says.

And it's not all selfishness - part of the reason I want you weaned is so that we can eventually give you a little brother or sister. I want my body to myself for six months before we do this all over again. Trust me, I'm not going to have another baby because I want to go through this whole First Year thing again so badly. I am perfectly content to have had perfect little you. I would be happy having you and you only - but I want you to have at least one sibling. You need a sister. You need someone you can call and talk to about how crazy I am.

I love you. Let's work on this together. It might be kind of rough in spots, but I think we'll both come out the other end just fine.

Love,
Mama

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

As you know, I have been in the same boat. I think daycare and forced bottles during the day make it easier for us, but I know your struggles and I sympathize. May the force be with you and may Miss Marlo just start to figure out that the stuff in the cup and on the table in front of her is just as yummy as Mommy's jumblies. :)

Leopard Girl said...

I love you sister. Mother is CRAZY.