Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Okay, so I lied

I hope nobody died holding their breath out there, waiting for me to elaborate. I've been busy and processing and generally procrastinating.

So the way it happened. I was surprised at how nervous I was beforehand. The tech called us back and sent me to empty my bladder. I remember looking at myself in the mirror thinking, this is it. I'm leaving this bathroom and I'm going to find out what my future holds. I couldn't shake the feeling that my life was going to be substantially different when I walked out of that office. I was going to have a son or a daughter. My heart was pounding, I was having trouble catching my breath, and I felt utterly ridiculous. I guess I was also scared of finding out that something was wrong - I don't think I've gone to an appointment yet this pregnancy without being kind of convinced that I was going to find out the baby had died. So of course I was worried the ultrasound would show a missing leg or sixth and seventh finger or a tail or some such anatomical disaster.

Moving on. Once I was covered and goo and the scan started, I relaxed a little, but I was still anxious about the money shot. I had been thinking from the moment I suspected I was pregnant that it was a boy - and all the old wives tales seemed to back that up. But over the 24-48 hours before the ultrasound, the little voice inside my head started in on me. You know it's a girl, don't you. It's a girl and you're dead meat. Your poor sweet husband is going to suffer for all of YOUR sins. Which is why, when the tech said, "see these three lines? That's the labia," I completely froze. Oh CRAP. Since Husband and I were both sitting there like a couple of mutes, she added quite helpfully, "so it's a girl." I was so stunned. I was stunned, grateful, and self conscious that I wasn't reacting correctly all at the same time.
And if you know me at all you know I don't often have an immediate emotional reaction to anything. There is always a bit of a processing delay. But this was a big moment, and all I could give the tech was a fairly unenthusiastic sounding "oh is a girl."

Don't get me wrong. I am - we are - thrilled to death to be having a little girl. It's just a bit of a shock. But as much as I thought it was a boy and wanted a boy, there was always a part of me that longed for a baby girl, with all the sweet names, pretty nursery colors, cute outfits and what have you.

Plus I always thought Pork Chop was a cooler nickname for a girl than a boy.


It's me ...Mavis said...

Awwww... you could always call her porkette? hmmm... how about bacon?... our little sausage?

I'm not sure if you noticed my over zealous voting "it's a boy" but that was purely a defense tactic... I'm so happy it's a girl!!! Now monkey boy can keep his title as the only boy in the family :)

Leopard Girl said...

Bring on Jessie Jr.!! Little JJ. Or Madonna. Madonna Kidney has a lovely ring to it.